What is life? what is the reason to live?

I know it sounds like a dull question to ask, and I always hated talking about deep random philosophical shit, especially the ones that no one can possibly answer. But it is really worth talking about. I mean, otherwise we will lose the only remaining thing that kept us seeking and hanging to life; the idea that one day we will find purpose for our messy pathetic short lives. I'm not old enough to have a memory backed with great experiences and wise words, and I'm not even young enough to have that beautiful innocent thoughts that good is good, and will eventually win. One time, when I was in elementary school I had a fight with a bully kid from the class and he hit me really hard, I was a skinny little kid. On my way home, crying to the fullest I was 100% sure that my father will avenge me, I had that thought that my parents will go with me the following day and make sure that the other kid will have the proper punishment. I was so damn sure. But nothing happened! They were kind to me and everything, but my father believed that it is a normal thing that happens all the time, no need to skip a working day to go to the school. And I went to the school the next day, pretending that nothing happened and I eventually forgot. It wasn't until two months ago, I was high on weed shit, and suddenly this memory rushed to my poor brain. And I remember that very day very vividly that I even doubt it.


The point is we never can tell what to do tell it's too late, like rolling dices, you'll never know what number you will get until you throw. The only difference that in real life, we wish too hard that we will get the right roll, we do everything we could; we study, learn, work, travel, ask, read, sleep, eat, do everything to make sure that we will get the right number. But we miss the fact, that dices are random. And that brings us to the original question; what is the purpose of our lives? why we should do any thing else, just to get the wrong number over and over? Lately I had a very bad part of my life, things that I was working really hard to achieve found to be the exact same things that I was running away from. Last night, I was talking with a friend of mine, who I have not seen for a while; a long while, four years to be precise. We talked and talked. She told me "Mahmoud you have a good life but you are wasting it, trying to justify a fake problems and situations that you have made up, and nothing of them are true". I don't know why the hell she like calling me Mahmoud, but I guess she has a point. Last summer, I used to stay alone for so much time, and every night I kept saying to myself, how poor I am, I got no friends, no body likes me, I have to change myself to make more friends. But when I try to change I can't simply fit anymore, not even with myself. And I missed the fact that many of my friends tried to connect with me, but I was busy changing myself, and thinking about all of that shit, to be able to have some friends. I'm literally wasting things that I have and I want, to justify the efforts done looking for them.

So what is the purpose of life? I once had a talk with an old friend who have an ideal successful life, and he told me that he found answer in religion. I was born a Muslim, I can't say the same now, but I'm not the opposite neither. The idea of how religion puts a purpose of our individual lives are kind of interesting, and I'm talking about religion in general not just Islam. The idea that God created us to worship him, and build the earth while doing so; makes believers feels like being a part of a big thing, that can not be done otherwise. And when they finish their task, they will get rewarded. It's relieving to have an answer to the question, why am I alive? to worship the god and build the earth. Till you come to a point which believers call "a test from god", and all the things that you used to believe in does not make any sense anymore. Believers fool themselves with the idea of "God's will" and everything is meant for a reason, but in the same time they were not "created" to understand the reason, their small humane brains can't handle it; they think. But I can't go with the idea of doing something without having a clear understanding of why I'm doing it. If you think of yourself as a true believer of God, there's a 99% chance that you have no idea what God is, or the purpose of worshiping him. You just chose this way, picking after your parents' footsteps, enjoying your life not asking the questions, satisfied with an answer that you never tested.

I spent the last four years of my life believing in a set of ideas, and working very hard to achieve another set of dreams. I was so happy with my life, I had those short-term successes that I though of as a proof of following the right path, but eventually found myself ending up with results -still good though- but not the ones that I was looking for, and I can't justify to myself the price I have paid down that path. Now I'm aware of the wrong decisions I have made, I can really evaluate them correctly now. But I'm so afraid of taking any other decision with my life, how can I make sure that this one will not turn out to be another false-right decision. And when I think it's the darkest, life always surprise me with another shade of black. I came that close to crack and lose my mind, but suddenly I found myself doing the same mistake again ".. trying to justify a fake problems and situations that you have made up, and nothing of them are true". It's very paradoxical! Even when you know your problem, you end up with it, AGAIN! What is ironic is that I have a couple of my friends who are doing the same thing now; they act, think, and believe in the exact same way, One of them is actually is quite close to me, and I tried to talk to him, giving him my experience. But I remember that even me refused to listen when I was at his position. And I end up with me saying "wish you the best of luck", but deep inside I really wanna shout, slap him, and say "I'm coming from the future, you idiot".

Surprisingly, I don't regret my choices, I have enjoyed making them. At least I tried. And I'm not depressed neither. Actually, I'm pretty cool right now, being able to understand what is going on with me, talking about it or more precisely "writing" about it. I got two more things to say before you go, If you came this far reading this post on my blog, this means that you really know me, or care about me, so please "really please" don't ever try to talk with me about what you have read, apparently I'm insecure talking about them face to face. Secondly, I enjoy my life ,at least as far as I could, and you should do, but you should value the process not the goals.