I know that we all have those moments when we spend quite some time trying to remember if we closed the door before leaving the apartment or worry about the big upcoming interview or exam or whatever, but that's not over-thinking that is just thinking, and if you are not used to that then you must have a real problem (but I still envy you. paradoxical, ha?). For me I don't remember when I started to overthink stuff, I can't remember when or what tipped me off and filled my head with this noisy mess. I always get the feeling that when I was a little kid I was normal not overthinking anything, but I can't remember any of it.
If you ever found someone bragging of being an overthinker, as if it was something to be proud of, slap 'em on their faces buddy, cuz they are totally faking it. Overthinking singlehandedly screwed my life over so many times, it doesn't stop with thinking things over and over and try to have a precise plan for every single thing in my life, it gets way shitter. Whatever I'm doing, I run over all the possible scenarios in my head, even the most improbable ones that have almost no chance of happening. Then I find myself forming speculations about what might happen and take action based on that, believing that I'm just too smart and thinking three steps in advance, but I'm not! And it usually ends up ruining my life.
When I'm trying to have a conversation with people, I just stand there thinking about what they might be thinking about, do they believe me? Oh he blinked, he's bored I should end this conversation and save my dignity. And when I'm talking with a friend or someone I like, I come up with a list of all the reasonable responses in my head, then I predict what they might respond to each of them, and I keep doing that turn after turn till I finish the whole conversation inside my head. Realizing that I have to say something, I come up with the dumbest thing any sane person would ever say and run off thinking how awkward this conversation must have been. Or when I'm supposed to do my work before the deadline like any other human being, but instead of actually doing it, I'm sitting somewhere dark (99% of the time on my bed) thinking about how hard this task is, there must be something fundamentally complicated about it. Wondering that If I spent enough time thinking about it, I might unravel one of the universe's most mesmerizing secrets.
But time goes by, and then I find my self with tonnes of work to do, calls to make, people to connect with, and feelings to express. At that point my overthinking stops for a second to cherish the marvelous blossoming of the most crippling forms of anxiety. Later on, I'm no longer thinking of how to get things done, I'm thinking of how inadequate I was, and all the bad things that will happen to me as a result. There is no way I can escape now, things are getting serious, and I know that because my heart rate is going over the roof, my hands are shaky, I'm shivering a bit so I might lay down for a moment. I'm too weak, I can't get up. And I end up crying.
Overthinking made simple things in life an utter challenge. It is not always that bad, sometimes it's just me trying to find a bigger picture or a deeper meaning for anything, but sometimes it's so hard that it transcends into physical pain. What is constant, are those voices inside my head replaying every moment of my day and thinking of what It meant and what I could've done differently. Now if I really wanna focus on something, I must have some music playing; a movie maybe, or a simple game or any combination of audio and visual distractions to cancel out all the noises in my head and give me some few moments of quiet and peace.
